Building & Maintaining Healthy Relationships......

Friendships

Friendships can be tough sometimes. You may be making new friends while still trying to keep old friends. It can also be hard to know what to do when you don't agree with a friend. Keep in mind, you can have a good friendship and still fight sometimes.

Tips for handling a fight with a friend:
 

	In a healthy friendship, you should not be afraid of losing a friend because you say "no." Good friends should respect your right to say no and not give you a hard time. You should show your friends the same respect when they say no to you.
	If you and your friend fight about something, it does not mean that you have an unhealthy relationship. You will not always agree with what your friend has to say. But you should always respect one another's ideas. As long as you and your friend listen to what the other has to say, you should be able to work through a fight.
	The relationships you have will help you learn a lot about yourself. You will learn about the kind of friends you want to have and the kind of friend you want to be.

For more helpful tips, check out the Dealing with conflict section.

Helping a friend in need
Are you worried about a friend who isn't eating? A friend who is smoking or drinking? Or maybe a friend who is having trouble at home? You can listen and give advice, but your friend's problems may be more than you can handle alone. Don't be afraid to tell a trusted adult, such as a parent/guardian, teacher, or school nurse. Even though your friend may get mad at you for telling an adult, it is the only way to protect your friend's health.

Peer pressure
Peer pressure is when people try to pressure you to do something you usually wouldn't do, or stop doing something that you normally would do. People give in to peer pressure for many reasons. They may worry about what their friends will think, not know how to say no, or fear being left out. Some friends may pressure you to do something because "everyone else does it," such as making fun of someone, using alcohol or drugs, or smoking. The best thing to do is say, "No, thanks" or "I don't want to." Keep in mind, you are always in charge of what you do and don't do. And it can help to talk with your parents/guardians about how to handle pressures that may come up.

Popularity
There are lots of things that you and your friends may do to fit in. It may be having the right clothes or being friends with the cool kids. It is normal to want to be liked by others, but it is more important to focus on what matters to YOU. Having lots of friends and dressing like everyone else may seem important right now, but try to focus on being yourself and having real friends who care about you.
 

7 ways to know if your friends really care about you They want you to be happy. They listen and care about what you have to say. They are happy for you when you do well. They say they are sorry when they make a mistake. They don't expect you to be perfect. They give you advice in a caring way. They keep personal things between the two of you.

Bullying
Friendships are very important to young women, especially when it comes to having a group of people to hang out with. Sometimes girls compete with each other for friends. When this happens, some girls may leave others out of a circle of friends or even bully them in more open ways. Being left out of a group can really hurt someone's feelings, so think about how what you do makes other people feel. You would want others to include you and treat you nicely. If you are the one being left out, scroll down to "Ten Ways to Make New Friends" for some helpful tips.

Cliques
A clique is a small group of friends that is very picky about who can and cannot join the group. While it's nice to have a close group of friends, being on the outside of a clique may not be fun! Girls in cliques often leave out other girls on purpose. They may bully girls who are not "cool enough." If you are being picked on, try to make friends with new people who care about YOU. Keep in mind, it is the quality or value of the friendship that counts, not how many friends you have. And, if you are leaving someone else out, think about how you would feel if you were the one being left out.

There can be a lot of peer pressure in cliques. You may feel like you need to do things like drink or do drugs to be part of the gang. Keep in mind, you always have the right to say no! Real friends will respect that. You also have the right to make new friends.

Making new friends
It can be really tough when you are meeting a whole bunch of new people at once if you are new at school. You may feel shy or embarrassed. You may feel like you don't have anything to say. But, the other person likely feels the same way. Half the battle is feeling strong enough to talk to new people. And, it will help to just be yourself!

It can also be tough to start hanging around new people at your same school. You may need to do this if you have friends who have been getting into trouble for things like ditching school or doing drugs. Even though you may care about these friends, you have to look out for yourself and make smart choices for YOU. If you have a hard time breaking away from old friends who may be bad news, talk to a trusted adult for help on how to do your own thing. Learn more about having fun and staying safe in our Safety section.

Sometimes, you may just want to branch out and meet new people. This is totally okay and you can still keep your old friends. It's easy to hang out with people you've known a long time or have a lot in common with. But, it can also be fun to spend time with new people.
 

Dealing with Conflict

Conflict: it's part of everyone's life
When you were younger, an adult would often step in if you had a problem with someone else, like if someone's feelings got hurt or someone took something from you without asking. Now that you're getting older, you need to learn how to deal with conflict on your own. That's because conflict is part of everyone's life-it will show up at school, at work, at home, in your community, and in relationships. Check it out...

For small problems, a simple "I'm sorry" is often all it takes to feel better and move on. But not all conflicts are easily worked out. Some issues are not clear-cut, like if you and a friend are not getting along so well and you're not sure why. Other conflicts are felt by only you, like if you don't want to do what the rest of the crowd is doing.

Avoiding a conflict can sometimes be good, but sometimes it can make things worse. In most cases, when you are angry, it's best to tell the other person what you are feeling. If you don't talk about it, your anger will most likely come out in another way, like in the tone of your voice or in your body language. This can make the problem even worse. By avoiding conflict or trying to run from the problem, you might:

	lose a good friend
	be treated unfairly at work or school
	not get something you want or need
	feel like you can never make things better

Conflict: how do you react?
It's okay to feel angry, upset, annoyed, let down, or sad when you have a problem with somebody else. These feelings are normal. Still, some people deal with these feelings in unhealthy ways. You most likely know people-maybe even some adults-who yell, shout, swear, or call people names when they're upset. Maybe they try to "get back at" the person they're mad at. Or, maybe they hit others or get into fights. These types of things make it harder to work things out. Let yourself feel your emotions, but don't let them get out of hand and lead you to do these things.

 

Dealing with conflict: take it step by step Step 1. Cool off! Being out of control will keep you from solving the problem.   Count down backwards from 10. Close your eyes and take deep breaths. Think of a peaceful place or something that makes you happy. Slowly say over and over to yourself, "Take it easy."   Step 2. Keep it real! Figure out what's really bothering you.   Do you not agree? Did someone say or do something that made you mad or hurt your feelings? Are you feeling the way you do now because of something else that upset you in the past? Is this a one-time problem or one that keeps happening?   Step 3. Deal with the issue.   Find a time when you can talk in private. Keep your voice calm and your body relaxed. Make eye contact to show you are serious. Say exactly what is bothering you. Share how you feel by using sentences that start with "I." Don't blame or accuse the other person.   1. Instead of: "You never want to hang out with me anymore." Try: Practice changing "you" statements to "I" statements. "I feel left out when you hang out with Tracy's friends." 2. Instead of: "You always pick on me in class." Try: "I feel singled out when you call on me more than other students." 3. Instead of: "You're so bossy." Try: "I feel upset when you don't listen to what I think." Keep the conflict between you and only the others involved. Don't ask friends to take sides.     Step 4. Listen. The other person might see the problem in a different way. You may each have a different point of view, but neither of you is wrong. Make sure to listen to his or her side of the story.   Make eye contact. This shows you are interested in what the other person is saying and willing to solve the problem. Listen for what is behind the words-like feelings and ideas. Keep emotions in check. Don't interrupt, get angry, judge, or be defensive. Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes to see where he or she is coming from.   Step 5. Work it out. Talk about ways to settle the conflict that will meet both of your needs. Be willing to change and keep an open mind. Be willing to say you're sorry, forgive, and move on. Check out how a conflict can either turn into a big blow-up or be resolved, depending on your response.

What if you can't work it out on your own?
Parents/guardians, teachers, school nurses, coaches, counselors, and other trusted adults can help you deal with conflicts. Some schools have mediation programs that help teens figure out the real issue, talk through things, and find ways to fix their problems. Don't be shy about asking for help.
 

When to walk away
You can't always find a way to solve a conflict. If the other person doesn't want to work it out-or if the conflict gets physical-give it a rest and walk away. Keeping safe is always the smart way to go!
 

Parents/Guardians

Your relationship with your parents/guardians may be confusing right now. As you get older, you can do more things on your own. You also have more freedom to spend time with other people, like friends or crushes. You may feel you are ready to choose where you go and what you do. But, you need to follow your parents'/guardians' rules. They make rules because they care about you and want you to be safe. Their rules may make you angry, though, and you may find that you're fighting with your parents/guardians more than you used to.

Please visit the girlshealth website for their inactive tool on your relationship with your parents or guardian.

Each family is unique and special. No matter what type of family you have, sometimes there will be tough times as you grow up. Keep in mind, your parents/guardians make rules because they love you and want to keep you safe. It's important to listen to your parents/guardians and follow their rules.

Learn more about talking to parents and other adults as a teen.

Sometimes families go through very tough times. Many teens struggle with problems such as divorce or a family member's illness. Check out the information below to help you deal.

Do you take care of someone in your family? It can be tough taking care of someone else. For tips on how to deal, check out our Young Caregivers section.

Having a tough time because your parents are getting divorced? Dealing with the changes that go along with divorce can be very tough, but it will get easier. For helpful tips, check out Dealing with Divorce and Separation: A Guide for Teens.

Do you have a parent/guardian or grandparent with an illness or disability? Learn more about how to handle this common issue in our Illness and disabilities section.
 

Dating

Dating relationships can be a fun and exciting part of your life. They can also be confusing, especially if dating is new to you. Once you know that the person that you like also likes you, you may not know what to do next. You can start by learning about what makes a dating relationship healthy and safe.

When do teens start dating?
There is no best age for teens to start dating. Every person will be ready for a dating relationship at a different time. Different families may have their own rules about dating, too. When you decide to start a dating relationship, it should be because you care about someone and not because other people are dating. A dating relationship is a special chance to get to know someone, and it should happen only when you are really ready and your parents/guardians are okay with it.

What is a healthy dating relationship?
Healthy dating relationships should start with the same things that healthy friendships start with: good communication, honesty, and respect. Dating relationships are a little different because they may include physical ways of showing you care, like hugging, kissing, or holding hands. You may find yourself wanting to spend all of your time with your crush, but it is important to spend some time apart, too. This will let you have a healthy relationship with your crush and with your friends and family at the same time.

What if I feel pressure to do something I do not want to do?
You should NEVER feel pressured to do something that you don't want to do. Your crush should always respect your right to say no to anything that doesn't feel right. Talk to your crush ahead of time about what you will and will not do.
 

Tips for having healthy and safe relationships
 

	Get to know a person by talking on the phone or at school before you go out for the first time.
	Go out with a group of friends to a public place the first few times you go out.
	Plan fun activities like going to the movies or the mall, on a picnic or for a walk.
	Tell the other person what you feel okay doing. Also, tell the person what time your parents/guardians want you to be home.
	Tell at least one friend and your parents/guardians who you are going out with and where you are going. Also tell them how to reach you.